Though one of the best expressions of life on earth, the herky-jerky human animal lacks the grace of the gazelle, the social sense of the elephant, and the photographic memory of the chimpanzee. Yet these aspiring demigods distinguish themselves in other ways, particularly in recording feats of sexual activity that might intimidate others in the Kingdom. Among some of the world's strangest feats of human sexualty are the following eight records:

1. Penis size: Among primates, humans have the biggest penises, with an average size of 2.8 to 3.9 inches flaccid and 5.9 inches erect. The world record for largest human penis is 6.25 inches flaccid and 13.5 inches erect. That record was set a century ago by a doctor named Robert Dickinson. (Anything bigger you’ve seen on the Internet was probably fake.)

2. Vagina dead-lifting strength: The world’s strongest vagina can lift 32 pounds, but was not necessarily the largest. The record for the world’s largest vagina goes to a Scottish woman who reached 7-foot-8 by age 19, with a 19-inch vagina.

3. Largest (natural) breasts: A woman who goes by the name of "Annie" in Arlington, Va., has size 102 ZZZ breasts.

4. Longest Kiss: 58 hours, 35 minutes, 58 seconds.

5. Longest distance for ejaculated sement: Men's Health magazine cites the world record as 18 feet. (Skeet, skeet, skeet…)

6. Greatest speed of ejaculation: 42.7 miles per hour, which is slow on the Interstate but fast inside of a vagina.

7. Masturbation: Not many animals can compete with humans when it comes to sexual self-pleasuring. The world record for longest duration of masturbation is nine hours, 58 minutes.

8. World’s oldest sex worker: An 82-year-old woman in Taipei, China, was still working the streets in 2001 when she was arrested after taking a 52-year-old "John" back to an apartment in the city's redlight district. Police there said she stayed in business by offering customers a steep discount on the market price of sex.

9. Largest “gangbang” in history: Though some accounts credit a porn actress with a 919-man record, The World’s Biggest Gang Bang is a Hollywood studio film starring Annabel Chong, who is said to have engaged in 28,100 sex acts for the 1999 film, filmed over the course of more than one day. The film was also the biggest grossing porn flick in history.